suddenly something terrible

one good thing about staying late in office is that you get to travel back home during the dark part of the night..when there is no traffic..you could just stare at the road..and keep staring..thats what i do atleast..and thats when my brain shakes up..old memories, new ambitions, goals, targets and everything pops up..and also pops up the question, why me?!

i had never thought i would see this day..never ever..not even in my wildest imagination..it was all going so well..and then suddenly she broke up :( i was too possessive she says. well, when in a relationship you dont spend time with each other, thats perhaps the only thing you could show to make yourself feel that the girl is yours. even that is not acceptable.

i havent cried. i couldnt. the tears just wont come out. but how hard it is i have realised. i have no clue if she is feeling any remorse or happiness (cz of this freedom from possessiveness!) but its so god damn hard..i wish i could just cry once and get it out of my head for always. but i cant. man :(

i surely dont believe in love anymore. after giving my everything here, i have become empty now. i think its all bull shit. life goes on. you marry the girl your mom dad select, have kids and die. the girl now they would select would depend on her salary and qualifications and she would select you on the same basis. so marriage is nothing more than a security. a stability. without love. because if you show too much of it, she will run away.

why mba!

i was going through my linkedin contacts and before i could wonder why i am on linkedin in the first place, i saw a friend's profile. my DCE classmate. after 3 years he is an MBA,CFA,FRM,CIIA,6 Sigma and ofcourse a B.E. ( i don't know the meaning of half of these!). He also claims to be the director of CSI in college, a society which supposedly I revived. well, i dont recall him anywhere close to CSI ever. anyways it might have helped him get his coveted degrees. why should i mind.

what i mind is the status people begin to give to anyone who holds degrees. and these people are not our oldie uncles and aunties, but people among ourselves. people my age, who sometimes think of writing books mocking MBAs and at other times ponder on how they are the only ones left of their college gang who's not in IIM. strange. once in a mock interview (yes i prepared for mba entrances too), my panel, from IIMA and C, asked me why did i want to do an mba when i clearly had a goal in mind. "MBA is for confused people", he said. I didnt have an answer. 2 months later, i didnt submit the fee for XLRI and left the MDI seat. I didnt want to do an mba. Not after i saw the kind of people who actually got selected. and not after i actually realised that people who went were absolutely not sure of what they wanted in life. well, i am.

mba gives you a settled life. a well paying job, a nice house and a big car. and i have let that life go. I tolled hard for 2 years to get these selections. and now i have chosen the path of struggle. just like my dad did when he was my age. i guess it runs in the family, huh. (i just hope my girl supports me just like my mom did).

well, i am pretty sure i wont be remembered from college photographs or as a guy who held 6 degrees from institutes of excellence or who got placed in a large international bank as the treasury head. but i would be pretty content as being remembered as the guy who didn't join the rat race. "He did what he wanted to", they should say.